it was my birthday yesterday. today, i was running late for work- an uber was waiting outside. still, i cut you a slice of birthday cake, lined a disposable brown box with greaseproof paper and put the cake inside. i usually despise carrying a bag in my hand in addition to my work bag, but on this occasion i was happy to.

you were explicit with your choice of not wanting to receive a slice when i offered a few days ago. i respect boundaries but i also respect a person’s wish to change their mind. you’re a sure man so i’m not sure what sparked this optimism. 

i haven’t heard from you. i’m not even happy with you. i want to talk. i want to give you cake. you want neither. and i knew this before i sent the message on top of the one you ignored:

i’m free today if you want to talk in person. if you don’t want to dignify me with a response just let me know if you want to cut contact

there was a small knot in my stomach. partly because you may want to cut contact, partly because you may leave me on read again, and partly because i wouldn’t know what to do with the cake slice i had cut with you in mind. 

you eventually did reply. but you didn’t want to meet. i felt no different to how i felt before i read the message- it was expected. so instead of seeing you i came home from work, bag still in hand. the box is now sitting on my dresser. i should eat it, but why do i feel guilt for having something that wasn’t intended on being mine?

i received so many birthday wishes yesterday. i was showered with so much love yet i stayed waiting all day for yours.